Jokes

Here is something my dad forwarded to me:

How to Make a Woman Happy


It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes



IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:


54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked

2. Bring food

lol thats great lol

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand closer to the sink.

VISH! I'm gonna kick your butt!

Janie, they missed one

Show up naked

bring food

and beer, lol

Yeah, dad didn't add that one, thing as long as his woman would show up naked, fuck the beer lol

How do you fix a women's watch? You don't there is a clock on the oven! LOL!!!

What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? The captain's log.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months; i don't like to interrupt her.

A man sent an advertisment into a newspaper, saying "Wife wanted," the next day he got 1000's of letters ALL saying the same thing, you can have mine.

LOL!!!

No, i am not sexist.

How do you get 100 ethiopians in a phone box?

Leave a tin of baked beans in there.

How you get them out?

Run past with the tin opener > hehe

How do you get pikachu on a bus?

Poke-em-on.

Why was the washing machine laughing?

because he was taking the piss out the pants.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you have 10 times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you would never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As a way of our apology, please accept all of our Canadian NHL teams, which one by one are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different: Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White-House during the war of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Lover Boy, the song from Sheriff that ends with the high pitched end note, your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this, because, we've seen what you do to countries with whom you get upset with. I'm Janie, I'm Canadian. And I'm sorry.

Things Canadians are proud of...

Smarties.
Crispy Crunch.
Coffee Crisp.
The footballs and fields are bigger, and we have one less Down.
Lacrosse is Canadian.
Hockey is Canadian.
Basketball is Canadian.
The biggest flags ever seen/flown at any Olympics were Canadian... The second time it was smuggled in because they made a rule against it cause of the first time.
Mr. Dress-up can kick Mr. Rogers ass.
Much Music kicks MTV's ass.
Maple syrup kicks Mrs. Butterworths ass (...don't know about Aunt Jemima though).
Tim Horton's kicks Dunkin Donuts ass.
Waaaay better beer commercials/contests and beer company give a ways. Example: the Molson Canadian House Party...where you get to keep the house. Trashed or not.
In the war of 1812, we pushed the Americans so far back... passed their 'White House', burned it...and most of Washington. We got bored because they ran away so we came home and partied. Go figure.
Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
The largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war.
The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.
We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
The Hudson's Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earths surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.
The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
The Canadian Civil War was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
We don't marry our kin-folk.
We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, the long distance and short wave radios that save countless lives each year. Oh yeah...and the handles on beer cases big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.
We can hum the tune to 'Definition'.
We all know that a scale that measures boiling water at 212 degrees and freezes at 32 is asinine.
We've ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
We can out drink Americans in a heart beat!!
Our elections take only one day.

You know you're from Ottawa when.... (Where i'm from)...

Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.
"Vacation" means going to Barrie/area for the weekend.
You measure distance in hours.
You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
Your grandparents drive at 65 mph through 13 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.
You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at the Canadian Tire store at any given time.
You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, construction.

(Not directed to anyone)

Yo mama so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone.

Yo mama so stupid, she stared at a orange juice box because it said "Concentrate"

Yo mama so fat she didn't know she was pregnant until she went into labor.

Your moms so small she can do 2 backflips off the kerb.

Your moms so tall she jumped up and headbutted jesus in heaven.

Your mum is just fat.

ooooooh

good one vish your hilarious

I know It was fantastic.

why do sharks live salt water? because pepper water would make them sneeze

Why does a blonde hate making Kool-Aid?

She can never figure out how to get 2 qaurts of water in that little packet

What's the difference between Alan Shearer and Newcastle Utd?

Shearer will be on Match Of The Day next season..

LOL. I wish and hope (although i dont think they can now) Tottenham go down into the Blue Cross. Spurs reckon they should finish 4th every season. They are SO SHIT!